Laid to rest

We buried Bosley under a smallish tree near the stream that marks the boundary of our yard. I wanted him to be somewhere serene and beautiful. Charlie walked out with us as we carried Bosley to his final bed. I ran my fingers through his fur one last time, told him I loved him, and then Zach laid him to rest. I covered him with dirt by myself, not wanting any help. Zach then helped me cover the freshly scarred earth with fallen leaves, and Bosley's little grave became one with the landscape. I will be looking for a good field stone this weekend to mark his resting spot. I miss him so desperately. He wasn't just a cat, he was my baby, my favorite little boy.

I can't write this without crying. Bosley is gone. All I have left are his collar, some fur on the floor, and a cast of his paw print. The last was a gift from Zach and the vet. I breaks my heart to run my fingers over it and know that I will never feel his little paws again, but it is a good way to remember him.

Oh, Mr. Bosley! Mommy misses you!

Bosley

My cat Bosley died in my arms last night. He had a seizure and died. I tried to hold his tongue like you would for a person, but I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to do! I wish I had known what to do. He was only 4 years old, and he was perfectly healthy. I keep crying. I can't seem to stop. He screamed. I couldn't save him. I couldn't save him. He's gone.

My Bosley, sleeping with the girls.

Argh.

I sent my husband an email yesterday telling him that I wanted to talk to him last night, but not telling him the proposed topic of conversation. It never occurred to me that he would think there was something wrong. I get so focused on what I'm thinking that other perspectives never touch my line of thought. He asked me to tell him what I wanted to talk about because he was nervous. This is what I told him in my email reply -

The talk will be mostly about me, hahaha. Kelley and I talked about me - how I feel, think, what I want, ect.- and as she knows me better than anyone, when she told me she was surprised to learn something about me, I felt like I should talk to you about it too since I couldn't tell her that you really knew this stuff any better than she did. I'm sure it won't be anything new, really, but as it keeps coming up lately with myself, and as Kelley didn't understand the depth of it, I don't want you to be uninformed. We talked about how I had never really talked to you in depth about it, and how that might later affect our marriage if I left it all inside. Does that make sense? We also discussed some good options to deal with it. I'm not getting specific because I don't want to cover the topic in email, but with you. It is important to me, but nothing bad, just me.

I think I waylaid his fears that something bad was going to be covered, but I can't be sure. The thing is that we never got to have the conversation last night. We did our grocery shopping, we played with the puppies, and then I went to bed while he stayed up to put my work clothes in the dryer so I'd have something to wear today. I lamented with him this morning that we didn't get to talk and he said that perhaps we could have managed it if he hadn't waited up for my clothes.

Sometimes, Zach is my hero. I knew he was also tired last night, but he stayed up anyway so that I could go to bed. He puts up with a lot from me. I give him a hard time - sometimes deservedly so, and sometimes not - but he still does these little things for me that make a huge difference.

No conversation - that was the end result. He didn't appear to be nervous any longer, and I hope he isn't, but it is going to be a difficult subject to discuss. Who wants to hear that their wife likes to imagine running off at a moments notice to somewhere new? Now granted, some people would encourage and enjoy that, but my husband was born in our hometown hospital and has lived at home all but the one year he went off to school. He's not big on change.

We'll see what happens tonight.

Escapism

I'm going to talk to my husband about this problem tonight. Hopefully he will help me figure out how to deal with it, work through it, and not have it ruin anything.

I'll post about how the conversation went tomorrow.

Missing Boston

I really miss Boston, and not just the city either, but my friend Kelley who gives me a physical tie to the city. I had a wonderful time there this weekend - walking through my old haunts, eating at restaurants I love, and spending time with Kelley and her awesome roommates.

Kelley and I talked in depth about my desire to move back to Boston, and my need for change. I love change. I don't know why exactly, but I need it. I need changes in my geography and social network, as well as changes in my routine. I pride myself on being a good adapter to new and different atmospheres, but I did not know that I have come to depend on their being a new need for those abilities always on the horizon.

I believe that I have an issue with escapism. I crave the opportunity to escape from the common make-up of my life, even though I love the things that are apart of my life. New things, new people, and new places call to me; and I am just beginning to understand the strength of this call and the affect that it has on me.

When I was in Boston with Kelley, all I could think about was moving back. I thought about where I could work, what I could do, where I could live, how I would manage it all, and what Zach would have to do. That last part, unfortunately, always came last on the thought list. What is wrong with me? I love my husband, I love my home, and I love our furry babies - why do I want to pick up and change it all at a moments notice?

That is what I'm working through. I want to escape. I want something to change. It doesn't matter that my life changed drastically with getting married, buying a home, and adopting three dogs - no - those are too far in the past (only 4 months though!) with the way my mind works. I want something drastically new today - not a month ago, not a week ago, and not even a day ago, but today.

My poor husband. Hopefully, I can figure this all out.

Back home...

I am back at home, well mostly. I am back in NC and back at work, but I have not actually made it home yet. The grief of leaving the city (and regret for leaving it in the past) have saturated my mood, even as I'm anxious to get home to my husband and furry kids. I feel unbalanced.

I'll talk more about my trip during my lunchtime blog post, but I wanted to at least say that I was back.

Boston!

I'm heading to Boston this weekend to visit my friend, Kelley! I might not have the chance to post this weekend, or on Monday, but I will try.

I can't wait to walk around in my favorite city...I haven't been there in three years and I miss it. It will always be my home, my city. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to live there again, but if I could afford it, I'd move there in a heart beat.

However, for now I'll just have to visit, get nostalgic, and cry when I leave again.

Ah, Boston....