Random gifts

I love giving random gifts. When I see something that I think you'll like, or when I'm with you and you won't buy something for yourself, I like to surprise you with it later. After reading The Five Love Languages, a book that my husband actually gave me after we broke up the first time we dated, I have learned that my primary love language is giving/receiving gifts. My husband is an acts of service person, and so he has no experience with the gift giving or receiving, except for major holidays. He has worked hard on getting in tune with my love language, and gives me the best presents ever -- little notes that he writes and leaves around the house or buying my favorite snack when he goes to the grocery store. He has not gone to the length of actually going and buying me random presents, and so he doesn't quite know what to do when I give him random gifts.

Another concept that escapes Zach is the idea of giving gifts that aren't something that you need. When Christmas rolled around shortly after we got married, his constant question to me was, "So, what do you need for Christmas?" Christmas is my favorite holiday. I love the music, the decorations, the weather (when it involves the cold like it should - NC is ridiculous like that, a 70 degree Christmas, sigh), the smell of goodies baking, family, and of course...the presents! Christmas is the greatest excuse for giving people tons of gifts! I love it! I shop all year round for Christmas presents. Sometimes I forget what I have purchased and later find presents here and there still hidden after Christmas.

For me, Christmas presents are things that you want but won't buy for yourself because you might have other things that you actually need to get with your money. So, I like to give Christmas presents that are things you want, not necessarily things you need, though they do occasionally overlap. When my husband kept asking me what I needed, I would tell him, "There are tons of things that I need, but I don't want those for Christmas. I want you to surprise me with something you think I'll like." For any man, that has to be a difficult thing to hear. I know the thoughts going through his head were something along the lines of..."ok, so I buy her something and she might hate it and then she'll resent me because she got me great gifts and I did a crappy job." His next line of defense was to change his original question by one word. Honestly, that shows he was listening, so I am fortunate in that. His new question became, "So, what do you want for Christmas?"

I hate being asked what I want for Christmas. I try never to ask what someone wants for Christmas because I feel that it's my job to know you well enough that I can go out and find you something that you'll want. I have listened and paid close attention so that I have several options of things I know you haven't bought for yourself. Remember, gifts are my love language, and because I love you, then I'm paying attention to your "wants" so that I can show you how I love you. When someone has to ask me what I want or need, though I know I shouldn't think this way, the first thought that comes into my head is that they don't care enough, or know me well enough, to get me a gift without instructions. It shouldn't, but that hurts me. It makes me feel unloved.

My response to my husbands repeated questions to find out what I wanted were this, "You know what I want? I want you to surprise me." It was hard for him, but he did it, and he did a great job. However, random gifts of things you don't necessarily need are a talent and habit that he has yet to pick up from me. Honestly, that is fine, but being able to receive my random gifts with enthusiasm and as a show of my love for him is something I wish he would develop.

Recently, we went to the Orvis store, a shop that I just adore. My husband is a fisherman, I'm a fisherman, and I love this store, despite their high end prices. He also likes their products and we ooo and ahh over them together when we visit. When we were at the Orvis store, we saw a washable suede jacket for him that we both loved. Our taste is clothing is not always in sync. I believe he has no fashion sense and awful taste (gaudy and tacky are how I refer to it most often), so I revel in finding things we agree on. This jacket was one of them, and I wanted him to have it desperately. Not only would he look gorgeous, it would be suitable to dress his outfits up or down. My husband works hard for a living and most of his clothes are covered in the evidence of his labors - grease and grim - and so having versatile clothing that doesn't have a stain on it is my goal for his wardrobe.

Here is the jacket from Orvis.

The jacket was on sale. I went back a week later and bought it for him. They had to ship his size to the house, and so I didn't tell him anything about it, wanting it to be a surprise. When it came, he just looked at it and said, "You bought me the jacket." It's not that he wasn't excited about it, or that he didn't love it, but he doesn't know how to react to things that like. He is also not good at showing his excitement. That drives me insane sometimes, but my husband's outward persona is perpetually calm and laid back despite how he is feeling. That can be a gift in and of itself at times, but when you are hoping for a reaction, the even keel response is less than stellar.

My husband's approach to this expensive random gift then turned into acceptance through forced justification - he labeled it as a Valentine's Day gift, allowing him to assign a logical reason for my having purchased it in the first place. Pay no attention to the fact that the date was January 17th.

Eventually, I hope that Zach gets used to random gifts as signs of my love, and that I, in turn, learn to speak his love language of acts of service. I often do things for people and see them as "gifts" in my head, which helps me to unwhittingly speak his love language. However, I want to purposefully speak his love language in the coming year. Feel free to leave me a comment to the effect of..."Hey, Courtney, what have you DONE for Zach lately to show him your love?"